I Remember
by fringeperson
Summary: A oneshot in response to a few requests I saw when I was going over old reviews. Some adult references, character death. Haru is reflecting on her life now that she doesn't have her mother any more.


"You cannot fight death with more death," she had said. "The only way to truly defeat death is with life."

"But life always ends in death!" I remember objecting as I held her hand tightly in mine. "So what is the point of it?"

"Living, dear heart. That is the point. Living your life as full as you can, and then, with faith, meeting those you love again in heaven."

With those parting words, her hand fell limp in mine. I remember crying, and I remember fighting the nurses as they tried to make me let go of her hand, to make me actually admit that she had just gone. That she had left me behind.

She had promised me, she had _promised_, that she would always be there for me, whenever I needed her. Now… she never would be there for me again.

I remember running, tear still in my eyes, as the nurses began their task. It was their job, so I couldn't hate them for it, but still… _Mother_….

I don't remember how I got to the Crossroads, but I do remember that here, despite everything, there was someone I could turn to for help.

How they could still be there, I really don't know, and I'm not about to ask, just in case asking breaks whatever magic spell keeps anything from changing.

"You've sure grown Chicky," he said, looking up at me from his seat in the sun out front of the café.

I knelt down to be on eye level with him, and started scratching him between the ears, just like I knew he liked. I'm sure I was a mess, but somehow I managed to smile for the old cat. It was probably at the nickname. No one else has called me Chicky before or since that time except for him.

"Well," I sniffed, wiping at my face with my sleeve, still scratching his ears with my other hand. "I think that might have something to do with the fifteen or so years that have passed since we first met."

He purred under my touch, and he nodded. "Yeah, that'll do it. Bureau?"

"Bureau," I answered, sniffing a final time and wiping the last of the tear-tracks from my face. My eyes were probably still red, and I know my nose was running, but either he didn't notice – which was possible – or he was too polite to say anything. I remember smiling to myself as I came to the conclusion that it was probably the former rather than the latter. He never was one for being polite, was Renaldo Moon.

I remember not being announced, just let in. I remember being told, rather than being invited to sit down, and I remember a teacup being pushing into my hands without my being asked if I wanted any, and I remember not minding, just smiling as it all happened to me.

"Thank you," I sighed, breathing the soothing scent of the tea gratefully before taking a sip from the tiny cup. With that single mouthful of tea, I remember, I felt like my whole world suddenly fit into place again. It was like coming home after a final exam and knowing that you'd passed. I was finally calm again, and I didn't have to pretend to be brave or anything like that any longer.

"You're welcome."

I remember that his voice, even more than his tea, felt like comfort. I remember that I started crying again at the sound of it. Not because of anything he said or did, but because the comfort he gave me was… not my mother's. It was still wonderful, and I knew he would be there even when _I_ was gone, but like a child, I wanted my mother's comfort the most, because she was gone now.

"Deep breaths, Miss Haru, deep breaths," he said gently, stroking my hand – the only part of me that he could reach at that time.

I nodded and breathed slowly in through my nose and out through my mouth until the tears passed again.

"Thank you Baron," I whispered. I didn't trust my voice beyond that, and I knew that he could hear me perfectly well regardless.

"Will you be alright, Miss Haru?" I remember that he asked me that, I remember it very well, because I remember the concern in his beautiful green eyes, and the gentle touch of his glove on my hand, and the genuine concern in his voice.

I remember I forced a small smile for him.

"Not yet," I said. "But eventually, yes I will be." I remember that it felt more like making a promise than just reassurance.

I remember that I stayed at the Bureau until it started to get dark. I remember crying some more and laughing at Toto's jokes. I remember that the joviality all felt forced, even though the companionship, the concern, did not, was not. I remember walking home, and Muta walking beside me to make sure I didn't get lost along the way, and Baron and Toto flying above me. I remember that they all looked at me with such devoted concern as I said goodnight to them all at my door, I remember inviting them to stay the night too, but they declined, not wanting to impose. I remember Muta promising that he would be along first thing in the morning to check on me though.

I remember kissing each one of them on their right cheek before closing the door and going to bed in what was now a much emptier house.

I remember crying myself to sleep, wishing that my mother were still alive, even though I knew that, now, she was more comfortable than she had been over the last few weeks. Still, I missed her.

I don't remember falling asleep.

I remember waking up to bright light piercing the comforting blanket of sleep, and I remember going through my morning rituals mechanically, as though nothing had happened the previous day. I remember … remembering… as the hot water of the shower washed over me.

I remember collecting paper, and pens, and envelopes and stamps on my way down to the kitchen, and I remember writing a few letters as I ate my cereal.

I remember that, when I left the house, I posted those letters, and I remember seeing a cat begin to cross the road right beside the letter box. I remember reaching out and snatching it back by the scruff of its neck as a car rushed past.

I remember the cat blinked at me a couple of times before saying "Thank you," as though it took a moment for it to process what had just happened.

"You're welcome."

It blinked again, and I felt a tiny smile tugging at the corner of my lips as I watched the cat almost digesting the fact that I seemed to have understood it.

"I am Haru Yoshioka," I said next, hoping that maybe that would clear it up. It may have been fifteen years ago, but I had stayed fairly famous throughout the Cat Kingdom despite the passage of time.

"May I thank you in some way Lady Haru?" the cat asked.

I remember that I actually _did_ smile at that. The cat asking permission to thank me.

"Are you able to contact Lune and Yuki for me? I would like to talk with them about something."

I remember. The cat looked so terrified by the suggestion that I shook my head, negating my own suggestion.

"Never mind then. I wouldn't want to get you into any kind of trouble like that."

I remember how the cat bowed when I put him down on the other side of the street, and I remember going to the shops to buy a pair of gloves and a new dress with a boned bodice that was just a little bit constricting, but still comfortable.

I remember that the royal couple found me as I sat in the park, wearing my new dress-kimono and gloves. I was also wearing a small hat and lace-up ankle-boots like the women in England wore during Victorian times. Most of it was black. I was in mourning after all. It felt right.

"We heard you wanted to speak with us?" Lune asked. I remember how curious he looked, and how concern practically shone from Yuki's big blue eyes.

"Yes, I have a small favour to ask, if I may."

I remember they nodded and asked for me to continue. I remember their shocked expressions when I explained my request, their confusion, and eventually their understanding. I remember feeling relieved when they agreed.

I remember how good it felt, just to hold them and to be held by them, as I stood in the Cat Kingdom once again. I remember how much the small, loving gesture meant to me.

I don't remember how long I spent there, or when I started turning into a cat, but I do remember that the gloves and shoes kept my hands and feet from turning into paws, and that the boning of my dress's bodice kept me somewhat human-shaped.

I remember that Lune's father propositioned me again, and I remember asking Lune why the old cat was still hanging around, as though he weren't even in the room before I stepped very deliberately on his left hind-paw.

I remember Yuki and Lune both wishing me well as they saw me off, and I remember being enveloped in an almost suffocating embrace as I left them behind.

Renaldo Moon.

"Yuki told me to wait for you," he said. "Come on, you'll never find the Bureau without help _now_."

I remember thinking that he was right, and I remember drying my eyes on my sleeve again as I walked beside him. I remember being glad that he wasn't just running off ahead this time, as I would definitely not be able to keep up now if he had.

"Miss Haru."

I remember Baron welcoming me into the Bureau, sitting down beside me on his couch, offering me tea in a cup that was no longer too small, and holding me tight, drying my tears when they appeared.

I remember what I said when he asked. I remember the feeling of certainty I had when I said those words.

"I had to." That was my answer when he asked me why. It was the only thing he asked of me before he offered me a bed for the night, for as long as I needed one even.

I don't remember how we ended up kissing, but I do remember feeling warm and content as one of his arms slipped around my waist and his other hand held onto the back of my head, drawing me in even closer to him. I don't remember when my arms came up around him, but when I opened my eyes again, that they were there.

I don't remember when we went from simply sharing kisses to exchanging vows, but there are photos hanging on the wall in the Bureau now that prove to me every day that it happened.

I do remember the night that followed though.

I remember how he touched me, how he kissed me, how hot his tongue felt when he soothed his love bites with licking and sucking. I remember how gently he slipped his clawed fingers inside me, preparing me for what we both knew was coming. I remember screaming in pain and ecstasy both as he broke through the barrier within me. I remember clutching his shoulders and raking my fingers down his back as he thrust in and out. I remember that through it all he never stopped touching me, kissing me, whispering how he loved me.

I remember it because it continued again in the shower the next morning, and then again that night, and the night after, and the night after that. It happened every night, blissful rapturous pleasure. I remember how, on a visit to the Cat Kingdom to see Lune's physician about my inexplicable illness, Baron fainted when we were told I was expecting.

I remember what he told me when he came too as well.

"I'm so sorry Haru."

I only had a fifty-fifty chance of surviving the pregnancy long enough to see the little ones I would give life to.

I remember that was a year ago.

I'm in a wheelchair now, but it isn't going to be permanent – I'm just tired is all. Every evening, just after Baron has put our daughter and two sons down in their cot for the night, he carefully helps me out of the chair and we gently work on building up my strength again.

He's the only one who could ever make me dance.

I smile as he helps me to a chair in the Bureau's front office after, and, on one knee, hands me a box wrapped up in green paper with a ribbon of red wrapped around it. Inside it is a silver necklace with a diamond pendant and a new pair of gloves.

I remember that it's Christmas Eve.

"I haven't gotten you anything," I whisper.

"Then can I have you for Christmas?" he asks.

I wrap my arms around his neck and let him carry me to our room. He should remember by now that I could never refuse him.


End file.
